Sunday, July 27, 2008

I Believe in Signs

I got nostalgic tonight, for some reason. Pulled out the DVD that had Miss M's first Christmas and birthday on it and curled up on the couch to relive those precious moments.

First, I got teary-eyed over how much she's changed in the course of 7 months. It's amazing. Watching her awkward first steps, listening to her call everything in sight "DOG!," and seeing her face light up at the sight of her birthday balloons. I'm am fighting tears as I sit now and write this.

My sweet reminiscing was rudely interrupted when I realized the sperm donor was about to make an appearance about halfway through the recording of her birthday. It was the last time he saw his daughter. He couldn't be bothered with showing up for her first Christmas, nor could he make the effort to arrive at a timely and baby-friendly hour on her birthday. Sure enough, after all the birthday gifts where unwrapped and played with, and the birthday cake served, here he came waltzing through the front door.

About this time, Miss M came to curl up with me on the couch... tired of figuring out how her name was coming out of the television. I snuggled with her as I was overcome with sorrow and anger. Sorrow in that she is frozen in time to him at that age. He has no idea the little person she's developed into since that time. Sorrow for her because he doesn't give a damn about her to find out who she's become. Anger for him being an ass and deciding this precious little girl is nothing in his eyes. My tears spilled over my eyelids, onto my cheeks... and my lap was filled with a wet warmth.

Yes folks, she peed on me. Right as I was giving into the heartache and emotions that my seeing him and reliving the day caused, my little girl brought me back to the here and now. And for that, I am ever so grateful. I'm still a little weepy here and there, but I think that's mostly due to having face the fact that my baby is growing up way too fast, and I absolutely HATE that.

Today I almost gave in. Almost gave into the past. And if it hadn't been for Miss M, I wouldn't have been able to keep my brave face on.